My Friend Lao Giam

Attempting to log in to this blog yesterday got me a rude shock for a message from google read, Your account has been locked, please refer to -insert's http address- for more details.

This got me puzzled as I'm pretty confident I did nothing illegal with this account. No porn arts materials, no nothing. Luckily the issue was automatically resolved within 24 hours as stated by google.

Nevertheless, yesterday was another trapped-at-home day with my lazy arse stuck at home. A hastily arranged dinner cum look at pretty girls session with my friend Lao Giam and gang felled though when too many people had pre-arranged plans.

Now, you'll be wondering why my friend is known as Lao Giam. (Lao=Old, Giam=Thrifty). On our trip to Taiwan, his reluctance to spend money unless absolute necessary earned him his, I suspect, life time nickname. He is so giam siap that he chose to lug his 25kg luggage home on bus and foot rather than hail a taxi from the airport after a 8-days energy sapping holiday trip.

But my friend, Lao Giam, can be quite smart and funny at times. On MSN, he stated and I quote,

Christmas is only fun for people who
1)have girls to call girlfriends
2)have invitations to attend christmas parties

And so for people like us who do not belong to Group 1 or Group 2, we find our skinny arse rotting back at home.

Just, In Time

I'm back here again after a WWIII battling with a computer virus that wrecked the terminal from which I'm typing on now. And it reminds me of a quote that I remember from a war game that I played some time back.

To Make War, Three Things Are Necessary. Money, Money and More Money.

How true. Despite winning the battle, I'm effectively almost $100 poorer.

Ah well, at least I'm back in time for Xmas. And by looking at the time now, you smart guys can probably tell that I'm stuck at home on Xmas Eve.

I is very sad.

The only consolation is the Female Friend offered to hand-bake some xmas cookies for me.

But, I is still very sad.

And She Was Late For The DATE

Female Friend arranged to meet up with me at 1230 pm today.

At 1234 pm, Female Friend was nowhere to be seen. And my suspicions that she is going to be late unfortunately turned true after exchanging a series of SMSs.

Female Friend: Me is going to be late. Dun ask me where I am. Haha

Me: I knew it. Lemme guess, you must still be at home.

Female Friend: No you are wrong! Me is right outside my house. Am going to bus stop now. Go to (restaurant's name) and chop seats first.

(One hour and fifteen minutes later)

Me: U better come quick because everone in the restaurant is giving me the all very pitiful looks. When you reach they will give you the i-know-you-turn-up-very-late look.

Female Friend: Haha! But they will change their mind once they see me and give the omg-she-so-very-pretty look. I feel so sorry for the restaurant. Having you sit inside must have frightened off potential customers.

And so Female Friend was late for a grand total of one hour and nineteen minutes.
And so I dumbly sat inside the restaurant for a grand total of one hour and nineteen minutes.

Now although a guy knows a girl is probably going to be late, the very poor male species is often left with no choice but to still turn up early. The male species would rather be tortued by long waiting time rather than create a image of a turn up late for date kind of guy.

Once a girl knows you turn up late, she will tell 10 friends who will in turn tell another 10 friends. And Singapore is not that big, so very soon no girls will want to date you. I am still single and avaliable. I do not want to be single but unavaliable.

And you know why Singapore is not that big? Because in a short span of 4 hours, I saw so many familiar faces that when formed into a line, they can each have a big bright letter on their forehead to form this word:

S-C-A-N-D-A-L-O-U-S

I have a lot of answerings to do for the next few days.

Ministers Pay HIKES 4% to 21%

Just as I was researching ways to impress Female Friend for our upcoming date on Saturday, the very loud TV in my room announced : Ministers Pay Hikes 4% to 21%.

Wah how can?

Now, how do i sign up to become a young PAP member. Female friend will be very impressed when I show her the PAP registration form on Sunday.

If cannot be prime minister, at least can be tail-wagging MP in one of the GRC right?

Oh ya, must remember to change my surname to Lee.

Oh wait. I live in Hougang! Cannot cannot.

I must tell Female friend I intend to move into her house. She stay Bukit Timah. Very near to all the rich and powerful people.

This is call: Kill two bird with one stone.

Smart me.

And She Asked Me For A DATE

Late in the wee hours, I chatted with my Female Friend on MSN.

Female friend is a Classmate. Female Friend is quite attractive, though only from certain angles. Female friend is very flirthy.

And Female friend is also filthy rich.

Cash-checked
Car-checked
Condo-checked
Credit Card-checked
(what's the last C ? never mind forget already)

My type of girlfriend since she is short, pretty and rich. And so we flirted chatted on MSN for three hours. During which she mentioned that her current boy is busy and has no time for her.

Recognising the hint instantly, I immediately launched an attack and sparred with her.

Blabbering Dictionary for sparring - defined as a series of manoveures where the guy tries to date a girl and the girl play hard to get

Now I don't normally seduce talk to other people's girl okie. But what to do when she intiated the date. It is morally and ethically wrong to reject such advances you know.

After all we are only going to shop for christmas presents only, I think.

Christmas presents and nothing else, I think.

47 hours 16 minutes to date with Female Friend.

Wish me luck !

Crazy World Fact #235 : HOLIDAYS for TeddyBears

The world is already insane with children trying to blow themselves up in explosives and teenagers shooting off live firarms in shopping malls.

But the word crazy is brought up to a whole new level when people are willing to send their teddy bears for holidays. There's organised teddy tours and travel clubs to make all the necessary arrangements.

I imagine something like this in the near future:

Plane explodes in mid-air with 295 teddy bears on board
11th Sep 2011

Washington - Terror group XYZ has claimed responsibility for the latest airplane bombing. The plane, with a carrying capacity of 300 on board including 5 crew members, exploded off the pacific ocean at 0700 hrs GMT time while enroute to the USA.
A combined total of 219 search and rescue teams from 27 countries are leading the rescue efforts. However, a anonymous teddybear specialist was pessimistic about survivors, pointing out that teddy bears who were not miraculously blown apart would have drowned 15mins upon hitting water

Thousands of distraught "family members" struggled to come to terms with their losses. Elsewhere, global stock markets took a dive as jittery market players sparked a half hour panic selldown that shaved off a US$72.9 billion off share values.

Ironically, little media attention has been given to the 5 living human crew members who, most likely, have too perished in the explosion.

Reported by The Blabbering Me

I think I am too rubbish.

And only a rubbish-man can produce this:

But if I am going to be a rubbish man, a very rich rubbish man I will be.

Confessions Of A GAY Guy

Despite my recent misadventures (http://theblabberingme.blogspot.com/2007/12/i-popped-big-question-she-said.html) with gender of the opposite sex, I need to declare that I am not about to abandon my straighter than a straight line orientation.

And now quickly before an army from the gay community descend onto me, I must say I have nothing against the gay community. I respect their determination to pursue their own orientation, admire their perserverance to be accepted by mainstream society, envy their courage to be someone different.

But it is something else when a guy approach me in my work cubicle one fine day and said : "I think I like you."

Good God.

While The Blabbering Me has a wealth of experience dealing with infatuated sweet young things' confessions, The Blabbering Me is ill equipped when a guy says "I Like You".

And so I could only blabber out something along the lines of : .... (acts surprise) oh! ... honoured ... appreciate ... apologies ... am very straight ... like sweet young things ... no offense ... + some other only god knows what politically correct phases.

He was a colleague of mine. And everyone who had eyes that can see knew he was gay because it was downright damn obvious.

And he was tall, he was dark, he was handsome, he was rich, he was the type of guy the sweet materialistic creatures called girls would die many many times for. Alas he was gay. He was also attached (to a guy of course).

Still I treated him as a friend, although I kept a comfortable distance between us. Must be safe what, he big and strong can rape me you know.

Then he broke up and became depressed. He wanted me to be the subsitute.

Gentle suggestions soon turned to violent demands. I now fully understand a girl's feelings when a not so suitable guy ask to go steady.

That was when I decided to authorise the use of maximum evasive manoveures. He soon got the hint after I purposely ignored and avoided him.

It was a bastard's way of solving the problem.

But you don't care so much do you?

Not when your very holy golden ass is very much at stake.

I Popped The BIG Question, She Said......

...... "right now we (friend P and her boyfriend) are separated but still together".

Not those BIG question that awaits a "I Do" answer. No No No.

But I should just start from the beginning.

6.01 pm
Met up with ex-classmates at our pre-arranged rendevous point. Friend P was late as usual. No surprises there.

6.35pm
Fended off those go-on-flirt-with-her and go-for-it looks from other classmates before finding an oppournity to speak alone with friend P.

And I popped my BIG question: So what is your marital status now?

Friend P: oh! separated but still seeing each other.

Me (prepares champagne for celebration) : Huh? Means break up already la.

Friend P (sharpens her knifes) : No. Separated but still seeing each other.

Me (indignant) : B-R-E-A-K ----U-P.

Friend P (executes her knife combos) : -shrieks,screams,protests-

Me (bloodied, broken and surrendering) : Okokokokok! Separated but still seeing each other.

Friend P (gives stupid-blonde look) : Actually can say still attached.

Me (surrendered) : Orh.

6.40pm - Home Sweet Home
-Empty-
(Author does not remember what happened during this period).

I guess thats it.

Friend P will never be girlfriend P.

Just Friend P.

Update: Actually I'm just fooling around. Not interested in friend P in any way. She is way too high maintenance type of girl for me. And besides, years after leaving school, we have nothing much to talk about to each other these days.

How Come The Girls All Ignore Me

I am a very sad person.

It has been a few hours since this post, but up till now theblabberingme@gmail.com has 0 mails in the inbox. All I have is spam mails selling me viagra and condoms.

The Blabbering Me has cleared his inbox of all of his very precious porn art collection in anticipation of the flood of sweet young things that will email dating invitations to him. The Blabbering Me is very regretful of his actions and will now restart the painful task of re-collecting all his precious collections from the World Wide Web.

Famous quote: Lose the battle but win the war.

The Blabbering Me believes it is a sign from heavens for him to find the courage and finally hit upon gal-friend M when he meets her later in the evening.

Now please excuse The Blabbering Me as he go and do up his Leonardo Di Carprio hair that will contribute to his Andy Lau's image.

I Is Boyfriend Material. Are You?

I discovered that I have been bringing up this particular quote this week : (insert friend's name) is so boyfriend material !

It came about when a guy friend of mine, E-Cup Head (so called due to his very big head), suddenly stopped in front of some movie posters.

He then declared with the dun-argue-with-me-cos-i-think-i'm-damn-correct look : I want to watch Enchanted , the Bee Movie and Fred Claus because I think they are nice movies.

Being a manly guy, I died again.

I was very shocked because those are chic movies. And only girls want to watch chic movies.













Which guy will want to watch the above movies?!?!

But seeing his dun-argue-with-me-cos-i-think-i'm-damn-correct look, I told him saying such a statement to a girl will get him +3 Boyfriend Material Points (BMP). Thus he is boyfriend material.

Needless to say, E-Cup Head was very happy for the rest of the day.

But the main point of this post is I think I am more boyfriend material.

- I am not rich (-1 BMP) so I never go Geylang or dirty karaoke before (+2 BMP)

- I not romantic (-1 BMP) which makes me unpopular with other girls except my girlfriend(+2 BMP)

- I am short (-1 BMP) but I only chase short skirts (+2 BMP)
(short skirts=short girls wearing short skirts. of course must be cute la)

And the last critical reason,

- I am straight. Straighter than a straight line. (+10 BMP)

In conclusion, I am at least +13 BMP. At least. Because listing out everything will take forever you know.

And so I is Happy Man.

So drop an dating invitation email to theblabberingme@gmail.com now ! Ladies only please.

Emphasise: Ladies only please.

I Was The Third Party

I never thought that this could happen. To make things worse, everyone else knew about it. I was very well the last.

And I only found out at the very last moment.

The very very last moment when I saw him. We were supposed to go to this Nike warehosue sale together. Only to see his girlfriend clinging next to him like a koala bear.

Nabeh.

Why must call me out to go when he got pretty girlfriend already. Shining like a light bulb brighter then the freaking sun, I struggled to maintain the no-go zone between me and them.

And I also struggle not to steal some glances at his quite pretty girlfriend who was in a quite figure-hugging shirt. Hmmm.. my friend has good tastes. Hmmm.. my friend's girlfriend does not have very good tastes though.

Because I bro-before-hoes, I must attempt not to stare at my friend's girlfriend.

I must admit though, I was not very successful in my attempts.

10 Signs You Are Growing Old

1. Your Phonebook/MSN/Friendster/Facebook friends gets very long. But strangely you get into contact with less and less of them.

2. You attend more and more gatherings. And you also find out you can chop the "Married" stamp on more and more of the people there. There is also the "Engaged"stamp and "Soon To Say I Do" Stamp.

3. The nature of the wedding dinners you attend changes. From god-knows-who-is-getting-married wedding dinners to cousin wedding dinners to close-friends wedding dinners. (Some people also attend their parents wedding dinner. aka shotgun marriage)

4. You catch up with friends on the street. The topic is more on the past than the future.

5. You huff and puff after running for a bus/train. Worst thing is, you did not manage to catch it.

6. For ladies, you start to look at older men and ignore younger men. For guys, you expand your search radar. Young girls, older girls, old girls. You look at all of them.

7. You need to buy a second cupboard to store all your gifts /glad-i-knew-you cards /good-luck-for-the-future cards / fuck-off-from-my-life cards. But then again, unpopular people may never need that second cupboard.

8. For ladies, your skin greys and something starts to sag. So you go for more facials and manicures. For guys, your ahem performance start to decline. Being the big ego, you just decide that gravity is getting stronger.

9. You can't remember what is the 9th sign.

10. You can't remember all of the above.

China Claims SEA Games Gold !

Oops, I mean Singapore.

Straits Times 6th Dec 07
» Sports Paddlers are tops once again

KORAT - SOMETIMES, numbers lie and scores mislead. For instance, to simply say that Singapore's table tennis men's team took the gold medal with a 3-0 win over Thailand yesterday suggests it was a matter-of-fact victory.

Congratulations to China Singapore for yet winning another Gold Medal at the SEA Games.

Like me, many Singaporeans are anti-foreign imports.

There is nothing like the pride when a local born, local trained athelete wins a medal. But a foreign import?

Our desperation for success in sports is laughing stock to the rest of the world.

I suspect they don't care since they are busy collecting their $10,000 Gold Medal.

A Poor 2WO Officer

Adapted from Mr Wang's blog,

ST Nov 6, 2007
Warrant officer asked to retire 5 years earlier

I WAS a regular serviceman in the Singapore Armed Forces (SAF). I served a total of 32 years, comprising full-time national service, reservist and regular service, from 1974-2006.

I was one of more than 200 regular servicemen and women in the Army who were notified in May last year that we would be given Special Early Transition. Some of the reasons cited included difficulty in offering us 'suitable jobs' in the long run, restructuring and possible 'stagnation'. We were given only six months to transit.

Having attained the rank of a warrant officer in 2001, it meant that I was able to serve till the compulsory retirement age (CRA) of 55. I transitted last November after just turning 50, five years short of the CRA.

The Control of Personnel Centre announced that we were not under-performers. I was still PES 'B' and I received my performance bonuses annually without fail. I had also met all other requirements, i.e., Individual Physical Proficiency Tests, Annual Trainfire Programme, Body Mass Index, and Annual Proficiency Knowledge Test.

I also did not have any discipline or medical problems. The latter meant that I was still combat fit and still deployable. There are some who have not conformed to one or more of these requirements and yet are still serving in the organisation.

Till today, I am still somewhat in a state of depression at how the organisation had overlooked all my years of loyal and dedicated service.

The SAF Management Philosophy states:
'The SAF is concerned with the well-being of its people and their families, the SAF values its people, looks after them and their families so that they can give wholehearted attention to their assigned duties.

'The Defence Minister himself said last year:
'Every soldier is precious to us. Every national serviceman, every operationally ready national serviceman, every regular who serves with us is a precious and valuable person.
'The organisation failed to honour its word to allow me and many others to serve till the CRA of 55. I have a wife and two young children still attending school.

Second Warrant Officer (Retired)
Henry Minjoot

While Mr Wang and so many others lamblast the government, this is what I have to offer:

Dear 2WO Henry,

Any organisation will only retain its most capable personnel. The fact that you retired with a 2WO Rank at the age of 55 speaks of your abilities, contributions and capabilties. (A 2WO Rank can be described as the equivalent position and seniority of an assistant department manager in a huge MNC)

Even a unexperienced 20 year old like myself knows the importance of peeling your eyes for a "backup" job even if you have recently secured a promotion. This is a openly practised act among logical working professionals.

To be frank with you, I almost died when I saw that you had quote the SAF Management Philosophy. Such crap are only for glamorisation purposes.

Furthermore, only a fool will place his trust in a politician.

Meanwhile, I applaud the SAF's move to save a huge chunk of money by giving you and so many other useless personnel the sack. Those money can be put into better use by accquiring gold plated taps for our long suffering enlisted men.

Best of luck in finding a new job.

Regards,
Blabbering Me

Upgrade From Boyfriend To Husband

A funny email I received from a friend a while back,

UPGRADE FROM BOYFRIEND TO HUSBAND

Dear IT Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower, gifts and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and World Cup 2.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate Housewife

Reply:

Dear Desperate Housewife,

First keep in mind: Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1. Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance.

I personally recommend Hot Tasty Food 3.0 and Tongkat Ali 6.9.

Good Luck,
IT Support

Moved

I have moved here from an old blog.

For greater freedom and flexibility at posting.